How Attachment Styles Affect Women’s Mental Health: Why Early Relationships Still Matter

Written by The Emerge Treatment Team — Serving Draper, Utah

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Ever find yourself in a relationship where you’re totally overwhelmed—or shutting down and withdrawing—and wonder, “Why am I like this?”

You’re not alone.

So many of us, especially women, struggle with anxiety, people-pleasing, emotional burnout, or fear of abandonment without realizing these patterns are connected to how we learned to connect (or protect) in our earliest relationships.

That’s what attachment is really about. And the more we understand it, the more compassion we can have for ourselves.

First—What Even Is an Attachment Style?

Attachment style is the blueprint for how we show up in relationships. It’s formed when we’re little, based on how emotionally safe or supported we felt with our caregivers.

Were they present and consistent? Or were they unpredictable, distant, maybe even critical or unsafe?

We all adapted in some way. Those adaptations helped us survive back then, but they can cause a lot of pain later in adult life if we’re not aware of them.

There are four main attachment styles:

• Secure

• Anxious

• Avoidant

• Disorganized (a mix of both anxious and avoidant)

You don’t need to diagnose yourself—this isn’t about putting yourself in a box. It’s about understanding what shaped you and how you can heal.

How Attachment Styles Get Formed

As children, we’re wired to attach to the people taking care of us—because we literally need them to survive. So even if a caregiver wasn’t emotionally available, we learned ways to stay close, stay safe, or stay out of trouble.

Maybe that meant becoming hyper-independent, always “the strong one.” Maybe it meant shrinking yourself, staying quiet, or fawning to keep peace. Maybe it meant constantly seeking reassurance or fearing someone would leave.

These patterns didn’t come out of nowhere. They were shaped by real experiences—and they made sense at the time.

Why It Matters for Mental Health

When we talk about attachment, we’re not just talking about relationships with others—we’re also talking about your relationship with yourself.

Your attachment style can shape:

• How you regulate your emotions

• How safe you feel in your body

• How you respond to stress

• Whether you feel worthy of love

• How you set (or struggle to set) boundaries

  
  

These things all play a huge role in anxiety, depression, burnout, and trauma recovery.

Let’s walk through how each attachment style tends to show up, especially for women:

🧡 Secure Attachment

If you have a secure style, you probably:

• Trust others pretty easily

• Feel safe being close and independent

• Can express your needs without guilt

• Handle conflict without spiraling

• Know your worth (even when things go wrong)

  
  

This usually comes from caregivers who were emotionally attuned and consistent. It’s not that your childhood was perfect; it just gave you a safe-enough base.

💬 Anxious Attachment

If you’re anxiously attached, you might:

• Worry that people will leave you

• Overanalyze texts or social cues

• Feel like you’re “too much”

• People-please to avoid being rejected

• Feel extra sensitive to distance or disconnection

  
  

This often comes from caregivers who were sometimes emotionally available, but not consistently, leaving you unsure if love is safe or stable.

🙅‍♀️ Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment can show up as:

• Struggling to trust people

• Feeling uncomfortable with closeness

• Shutting down when things get emotional

• Preferring to rely only on yourself

• Thinking vulnerability = weakness

  
  

If you grew up with emotionally distant or critical caregivers, you might’ve learned that expressing needs wasn’t safe or helpful, so you stopped trying.

😵‍♀️ Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment

This one’s a bit more complex. You might:

• Crave intimacy, but also fear it

• Push people away after pulling them close

• Feel emotionally intense and overwhelmed

• Have a history of trauma or chaotic relationships

• Not know what to expect from love at all

  
  

Disorganized attachment often develops in environments where love and danger were mixed; when the person you depended on also hurt or scared you.

So... Is This Just Who I Am Forever?

Here’s the truth: no attachment style is permanent. These are patterns, not personality traits. They were learned—often before you had language to understand what was happening.

And that means they can be unlearned, too.

Healing looks like:

• Learning how to feel safe in your body

• Practicing self-compassion instead of shame

• Rebuilding your relationship with trust

• Letting yourself receive love without fear

• Setting boundaries without guilt

  
  

You’re not too needy. You’re not cold. You’re not broken. You’re responding to things that happened to you, not things that are wrong with you.

The Attachment–Mental Health Connection

You might not realize it, but a lot of mental health symptoms are deeply rooted in attachment:

• Anxiety – tied to anxious attachment

• Depression – often linked to avoidant strategies or long-term disconnection

• Emotional dysregulation – common in disorganized attachment

• Burnout + perfectionism – often a response to feeling like you have to earn love or safety

• Chronic people-pleasing – a survival strategy for staying connected

  
  

When we start to connect the dots between past relationships and present struggles, things start to make so much sense.

What Healing Can Look Like

Attachment wounds aren’t just cognitive—they live in the body and the nervous system. That’s why healing is often about experiencing new kinds of safety and connection, not just thinking differently.

In therapy, that can look like:

• Building trust with your therapist (a secure relationship to model from)

• Inner child work (reconnecting with parts of you that still feel stuck)

• Somatic therapy (regulating your nervous system so connection feels less scary)

• IFS or EMDR (processing past experiences in a safe, structured way)

  
  

Healing isn’t linear. It’s layered and slow—but it’s absolutely possible.

A Note for Women—Especially in Utah

Let’s be real: women are often expected to carry the emotional weight in relationships, families, even friend groups.

And if you grew up in a culture or environment that prioritized perfection, self-sacrifice, or emotional suppression (👋 hello, Utah)—you may have never had space to feel your feelings, let alone explore where they came from.

You might be:

• Exhausted from caretaking everyone else

• Afraid of being “too much”

• Confused by your own emotional reactions

• Longing for deeper, more secure relationships

  
  

You deserve that. You’re not asking for too much. You’re asking for something your younger self should’ve always had—safety, connection, consistency, and love.

Finding Support

If you’re ready to explore your attachment style or start healing relational trauma, here are some helpful resources in Utah:

• Emerge Treatment (Salt Lake City & Draper): Women-centered therapy focused on trauma, identity, and connection

• RMC Counseling: Known for trauma-informed, attachment-focused care

• Therapists trained in EMDR, IFS, somatic therapy, or DBT

• Use search terms like “attachment therapy for women Salt Lake” or “inner child work Draper”

  

  
  

You’re Allowed to Want Secure Love

Here’s what I want you to know:

You are not too much. You are not too sensitive. You are not broken. You are healing.

The ways you learned to survive made sense. Now it’s time to learn how to thrive—and that starts with choosing relationships (and care) that feel safe, steady, and empowering.

If you’re ready to explore that journey, we’d love to walk alongside you.

Schedule a free consultation. We’re here to help you come home to yourself.

→ Schedule Free Consultation